


Unrequited

by thiccennugget



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Frottage, M/M, Mutual Pining, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Pining, Unrequited Love, like heart wrenching angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-10
Updated: 2018-09-10
Packaged: 2019-07-10 17:48:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 14,426
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15954419
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thiccennugget/pseuds/thiccennugget
Summary: Phil doesn't believe in soulmates. Dan's been searching for his for years.





	1. Chapter 1

Dan bit his lip, looking over his reflection in the bathroom mirror. He frowned, fixing his hair yet again. 

"Dan, c'mon, are you ready yet?" PJ called from the other room, the annoyance clear in his voice. "Chris is waiting..." 

Dan rolled his eyes. "He isn't waiting for us specifically, it's a party." He peeked his head out of the bathroom. "He might be waiting for _you_ , though." 

PJ giggled, shaking his head. "Let's just go. You look _fine_ , Dan." 

Dan sighed, finally nodding and grabbing his yellow rain jacket, tugging it on over the old denim one he always wore. It was already raining outside, and it would only get worse. He was always a bit excited on nights like these. He never knew when he might meet someone special.

Phil had agreed to go to the party with a bit of convincing from his friend Louise. He pulled on grey jeans and an old band t-shirt before going to her house, sitting on her bed and complaining as he waited for her to finish getting ready. Finally she emerged from the bathroom and he pushed glasses up his nose and followed her on the short walk there. 

On the way, they were nearly run over by a battered car holding two boys with curly hair, and Phil yelped as Louise tugged him out of the way. “Jesus,” he muttered, a bit peeved, as they kept walking. He stifled an irritated groan as the car pulled into the driveway of his destination. Of course... 

Louise turned to him, starting a conversation to distract him. “So... think you’ll meet them tonight?”

He huffed an exasperated sigh. “Lou, you know I don’t believe in that stuff...”

“Yeah, I know...” she said with a frown. “But... it does happen. It happened when I met Liam.”

“But there’s no one out there _for me_ ,” Phil clarified. “No one’s interested in me, and I’m not interested in anyone,” he said with a shrug.

Dan hopped out of the car, brushing his hair out of his eyes. He glanced over at the people they had nearly hit, but didn't say anything, biting his lip. "C'mon," he mumbled to PJ. "Let's just... find Chris, so you can ditch me to snog him all night." He smirked at the blush on PJ's face.

Phil and Louise kept bickering as they made their way down the wet sidewalk. He was mildly upset that the leaves were all waterlogged and made only a sad squishing sound when he stepped on them with his faded converse. They reached the driveway and he met the eyes of one of the boy’s who’d been in the car. The gaze felt disproportionately intense, and Phil’s cheeks heated.

Dan looked over him before turning away again. It felt weird, but maybe it was just anxiety. He hopped up the front steps of the house two at a time, with PJ close behind him. "Excited?" He asked him as he passed with Dan holding the door open. He grinned. 

"Very."

Phil followed more slowly with Louise, rejecting a beer someone tried to hand him and instead picking up a can of sparkling water. He stood near a wall, rocking awkwardly from his heels to the balls of his feet over and over and chewing his lower lip. Louise chuckled fondly, looking him over. She was used to him being painfully awkward in social situations so she said nothing.

Dan followed PJ across the room, searching for Chris. He understood that he was in love and all, but it kind of sucked how much he seemed to be left in the dust in these situations. It was okay though; he always found himself searching for his own soulmate. He took a drink someone offered and hovered near PJ, looking around, until he finally found Chris and had practically threw himself into his arms.

Phil’s eyes kept being drawn back to the boy from before and he didn’t entirely understand why. He straightened his jumper and tried to shake off the strange feeling. He stepped outside into the back yard, just wanting to escape the crowd, and listened to the muffled music playing within, looking up at the sky and searching for constellations.

A boy approached Dan after a while, offering him a cigarette, and he took it. He knew it was flirting and of course wasn't interested, but he took it anyways, resting it between his lips before he told him that he was waiting for his soulmate. The guy rolled his eyes and called him hopeless, but Dan was used to it. And at least he could smoke now. He made his way to the door, but flinched when he pushed it open and noticed the boy from before. "Oh, I'm sorry, I can go somewhere else..."

“No, it’s okay. You can stay,” Phil said with a tight smile. “Do you know anything about constellations?” He asked hopefully, his gaze still trained skyward.

Dan stepped the rest of the way out, sliding the door shut behind him. "Yeah, actually," he muttered. He had been studying astronomy for three years now. He found a lighter in the pocket of his battered denim jacket, lighting up.

“Will you tell me?” Phil asked, hopping up onto the table, and glancing toward Dan with a little smile.

"Okay..." Dan took a drag, peering up at the sky. "You can see Orion from here... see those two big stars?"

Phil shook his head, eyebrows drawing together. “Where?” He queried, trying to follow Dan’s gaze.

Dan hummed, moving over to him. He touched his hand, making him point and held it, gently guiding his finger towards the sky. "There."

Phil felt a rush of warmth, then waves of pulsing electricity, like sparks moving up his arm. He gasped softly, suddenly feeling dizzy, almost unable to breathe, but Dan seemed utterly unaffected so he pretended everything was normal. “O-oh, yeah, I see it now,” he whispered shakily.

"Cool." Dan hesitated for a second before pulling back. He had felt a slight shock, but it didn't even occur to him that it could be what it was. There was no way. His soulmate was gonna be a girl, and he had imagined how it would feel a thousand times in his mind. He smiled at him softly, breathing in the smoke.

Phil looked at him, completely overwhelmed. “Show me another one?” He requested, swallowing hard. He wanted to see if he would feel it again.

Dan nodded, humming thoughtfully. "Alright..." he repeated the motion, moving a bit closer so he could easily guide his hand. "There's the Big Dipper... and Andromeda..."

Phil bit his lip. “Where’s Ursa Major?” He asked softly, turning to meet Dan’s eyes over his shoulder.

Dan licked his lips, eyes shining, reflecting the stars as he searched the sky before turning Phil's finger to it. "Right there. It's my favorite." He blushed at how dorky that sounded.

Phil smiled at that. “I’m gonna call you bear then...” he said softly. He almost wanted to kiss Dan and he was immensely confused by that; he’d never felt attracted to anyone this quickly before, but the waves of pleasurable warmth that rolled over him were almost enough to make him believe in soul mates.

Dan giggled, his cheeks still pink. "Alright then..." for some reason he didn't pull away again, keeping his hand on Phil's. "Does that mean you don't need to know my name?"

“Of course I do... tell me,” Phil whispered, leaning closer on impulse, just wanting to be near him. “I’m Phil, by the way...”

Dan smiled. "I'm Dan." He moved his hand so they were touching in a hand shake. "Nice to meet you."

Phil’s heart was pounding. “Dan...” he murmured, testing the name out. It felt perfect on his tongue. “Nice to meet you too.” He squeezed his hand gently.

Dan shivered. He brought a hand to his face, unsure as to why it was still hot. "I should probably go find PJ," he mumbled, even though he still hadn't let go of Phil's hand. "Before he goes upstairs with Chris or something."

Phil didn’t know who Chris and PJ were but that seemed like a very minor detail now that Dan was in his life. “Okay...” he whispered, forcing himself to let go of Dan’s hand so he wouldn’t think he was a creep.

Dan smiled at him, taking a final drag of his cigarette before putting it out in an ashtray on the table. "Bye," he muttered, turning away and disappearing through the door before Phil could answer.

“Bye, bear,” Phil breathed after Dan had already disappeared into the house. He sat there for several minutes, feeling dazed, before Louise emerged. 

“There you are!” She said pleasantly, joining him on the table. “I was wondering where you got off to.”

“What did it feel like when you met Liam?” Phil blurted without preamble, and her eyes widened. 

“Did you meet your soulmate?” She asked, shocked. 

“I think I might have.”

Dan finally found PJ making out with Chris in a corner, and tugged on his sleeve. "Let's go," he mumbled, dazed. PJ searched his face, frowning before he gasped. 

"Did you meet them?" 

Dan met his eyes, licking his lips. 

"No. Not yet." He shoved his hands in the pockets of his jeans. "Never mind. It's okay, you can stay here with Chris if you want, I'll walk. I need to think."

Louise described what it had felt like and looked at Phil closely. “Does that sound about right?”

“Yeah...” Phil breathed, in shock. “Oh my god...” He glanced to the side and saw the rain jacket Dan had been carrying over his arm. “Oh—he left this... I should go give it back,” he decided, standing and picking it up. It was starting to rain again so at least he had an excuse. “I’ll meet you back at your place later Lou,” he assured her, and she nodded. Then he left quickly. Once he was out the front door he brought the soft lining of the jacket to his face, breathing in slowly and shivering at the scent.

Dan was already halfway down the street, walking swiftly through the leaves. He didn't know why his mind was racing as much as it was; nothing exciting was happening. It was just another party with another boring conclusion. At this point he was starting to doubt he would ever find that perfect match of his.

“Dan!” Phil called out, seeing Dan a couple hundred yards away. He started running, not even caring that he probably looked stupid. He’d  _missed_ Dan in the five minutes they’d been apart. Missed him more than he’d ever missed another person. He caught up to him, panting. “Y-you forgot this,” he managed between gasps.

Dan's eyes were wide as he watched him. "Oh-! Oh, thank you," he said softly, taking it from him. "Thanks so much, I can’t believe I forgot this, I always wear it when it rains..." he laughed. "I'm sorry, you didn't need to know that. But thank you." He cursed himself for rambling.

“You’re welcome,” Phil said with a shaky breath, beaming. He didn’t know why but every single thing Dan told him felt like crucial information. “So um... I don’t know how all this works but... did you feel it earlier?” He asked timidly.

Dan frowned gently, tipping his head to the side. "Feel what?"

Phil felt a vague sense of foreboding but he didn’t see how Dan couldn’t have felt it so he just tried to explain. “The... the spark...” he said softly, still trying to catch his breath. He really was horrifyingly unfit, and he chastised himself for being out of breath from such a short sprint.

Dan blinked. He recalled feeling a spark, but it didn't connect in his mind to anything Phil could have felt. "The... spark?" He shrugged. "I guess I didn't. I'm not sure what you're talking about."

Phil felt his heart plummet. “Oh... okay. I’m sorry to bother you, then...” he whispered, furious with himself when he felt his eyes sting with tears. He quickly turned and walked the other way, trembling. Louise’s house was the same direction that Dan was going but he didn’t want to have to deal with the painful awkwardness of having to fight tears all the way there with Dan beside him.

Dan blinked, surprised and a bit confused. He wasn't sure what in the world Phil had been talking about, and he hadn't explained. Dan bit his lip, but continued on his way, his mind reeling even more than it had been before.

Phil found a children’s swing set in the backyard of the house the party was in and he sat on one of the swings, crying silently. He sent Lou a text telling her where he was and asked her to get him when she was ready to go. He felt like his heart was shattering and he wasn’t sure what to do. He’d never heard of anything like this happening before... an unreciprocated soulmate? Well… maybe there was a first for everything.

Louise found him a little bit later, instantly worried about him when she saw his expression. "Oh honey, what's wrong?" She asked, moving over to him.

Phil shook his head, standing up though his vision was blurred with tears. “I’ll tell you when we get to your place,” he managed. “Don’t wanna break down here...”

Louise nodded sadly, touching his arm to lead him away from the party. They walked in silence but Louise soothingly rubbed his arm as they went. When they got back to her house she sat down next to him on the couch, watching him expectantly.

Phil took a few shaky breaths before starting to talk. “I was wrong... he’s not my soulmate... o-or maybe he is, but... I’m not his...” The last three words were barely a whisper and Phil struggled to hold back a sob.

Louise frowned, eyes wide. "What? That's... Phil, that isn't possible. Are you sure he didn't feel it?"

Phil nodded. “I asked...” he breathed. “He said he didn’t know what I was talking about...”

Louise bit her lip, deep in thought. "That's so odd," she muttered. "Who was it?"

“Dan... he has curly hair, about my height... maybe a little taller... beautiful eyes... a really nice smile...” Phil was getting wistful just talking about him.

"That's extra weird," she said, frowning deeper. "Howell? I know a bit about him, apparently he's obsessed with soulmates, and finding his. That's odd that he wouldn't feel it." She took his hand. "I'm sure it's there," she said softly. "He might just need a little help finding it."

Phil broke down even more when Louise told him that. “B-but if he’s always looking for his then he would feel it even more, right? It can’t be there...” He was shaking and he dropped his head into his hands, pulling his hair to try to calm down.

Louise rubbed his back. "Maybe..." she paused, thoughtful. "Maybe when you expect something to happen so much, you're less likely to notice when it actually does."

Phil sighed and shook his head. “I don’t think that’s right...” he mumbled.

Louise sighed, giving him a hug. "Well, you can't just give it up. If you really found your soulmate... I won't let you drop it until we figure it out. We can talk to his friends... see what they think. Yeah?" She asked, hopeful. She hadn't seen Phil care so much about someone so quickly before, she didn't want it to end.

Phil nodded. “Okay...” he agreed, somewhat hesitant. “He mentioned people named Chris and PJ... do you know them?”

Louise hummed. "Yeah." She laughed. "They're always all over each other. I know them, I have both of their numbers."

“Okay... maybe I should text them?” He mumbled, unsure. Louise nodded and gave him their numbers, and he sent out a group text. 

_ Hi... you don’t know me, but my name is Phil Lester... and I think Dan Howell is my soulmate, but he doesn’t feel it. Can you help? _

PJ jumped when his phone buzzed in his pocket, and Chris's made a noise at the same time. He frowned, breaking away and pulling it out. "Oh," he breathed as he read it, looking up to meet Chris's eyes before typing a response. _How'd you meet?? And what do you mean he doesn't feel it?_

Phil bit his lip nervously and Louise squeezed his hand reassuringly. 

_ I met him tonight and we were looking at constellations and I didn’t see which ones he was talking about so he took my hand and helped me see them and it was... it felt weird. Like... warm and electric. But I went after him and asked if he’d felt it and he said he didn’t. _

Chris and PJ shared a look. _I think he was pretty sure it would be a girl._ Chris typed. They had all known Dan definitely liked boys, so it wasn't much of a surprise. _and yeah, that description sounds about right. Maybe he'll feel it later?_

_ But that isn’t how it works... is it? I’m sorry I’m really new to all this... I didn’t even believe in soulmates until tonight. _

_It's okay. Don't worry about it._ PJ said. _Seriously, you didn't? And Dan made you? Wow.. well, maybe it's a fluke. Maybe Dan was meant to feel it but he was distracted, or didn't notice?_

Louise stood up. “I’ll put some tea on, tell them to come over,” she said quietly, and disappeared into the kitchen. 

_Louise said to invite you over so we can all talk face to face._ Phil bit his lip nervously and sent her address.

Chris and PJ arrived only fifteen minutes later, walking right in when Phil opened the door, already speculating without so much as a greeting. "Maybe it's because he's so obsessed with it, he didn't expect it to be like that?" Chris said.

"That's what I said!" Louise called from the kitchen.

Phil blushed soft pink. “But I feel like he would be more sensitive to it because of that...” he mumbled, following Lou into the kitchen and hopping up onto the counter, swinging his legs thoughtfully.

PJ shrugged. "I dunno... he has a pretty clear image in his mind about what it would be like. That could have blurred his feelings to anything else."

“Oh...” Phil said hollowly, feeling bad that he hadn’t lived up to expectations. That gloomy line of thought was interrupted by Chris’ phone ringing, the tone piercing through the silence.

Chris looked around with wide eyes, mouthing ‘it’s Dan!’ Like he had to be quiet, even though he hadn’t answered yet. Phil raised his eyebrows and Louise held a finger to her lips before whispering, “answer... put it on speaker.”

"Hi," Dan said almost immediately when Chris picked up, breathless. 

"Hey..." Chris sounded a little weird, but Dan ignored it. "What's up?" 

"I don't know." Dan frowned, shaking his head. "I just... I met someone tonight."

Phil’s breath caught, surprised. Dan was calling to talk about him? “Yeah?” Chris asked, glancing at PJ. “What was he like?” PJ elbowed him hard and he yelped and quickly corrected himself: “ _or she_!”

Dan frowned gently but continued. "I dunno... he seemed really sweet. He had black hair, and a really cute outfit... blue eyes..." he trailed off. "and... I feel weird."

Phil’s heart was fluttering and his eyes widened. “Like... weird how?” Chris asked. “Do you think he’s your soulmate?”

Dan licked his lips. "No," he said slowly. "No, he couldn't be. Right? That isn't possible..." he shook his head to himself. "But... I feel like I might have a crush on him, even though I don't know him..." he flinched. "But I can't. I have to wait..."

Phil’s hopefulness dispersed rapidly and he sighed, taking a cup of tea that Louise offered him and sipping it. “Why isn’t it possible?” Chris asked hesitantly. “Did you feel anything? Like... a spark? Or... anything?”

Dan paused, thoughtful. "Not really," he said slowly. "Well, I guess so, kind of... but it wasn't... like I expected. I think it was just because it was cold out and he was warm. Besides, it's gonna be a girl."

Chris sighed, exasperated, but decided to drop it. “Okay... so why did you call, then?” He asked resignedly.

Dan frowned. "To _talk_ ," he muttered. "Chris, I feel weird about it. And he asked if I felt anything..." he trailed off. "What's your deal? Why are you acting so weird?"

Chris looked to PJ for help, unsure how to answer. “I’m not... I’m acting normal. This is how I always am.”

"No, you aren't..." Dan frowned. "Wait... is someone with you? Can they hear me?"

“No...” Chris lied, wincing. “So um... anyway, back to Phil,” he said quickly.

Dan froze. "Chris..." he drew out the word. "I haven't told you his name yet."

“Shit...” Chris whispered, mortified. “Uh... lucky guess?”

Dan sighed loudly before hanging up abruptly. His heart was racing at the fact that Chris had known; had Phil been there? Had he heard all the embarrassing stuff about Dan possibly having a crush on him, and when he called him cute? Dan groaned, covering his face with his hands.

Phil wasn’t sure what to say. So... Dan had a crush on him, but he didn’t want to be with him because he was waiting for his soul mate... he sighed heavily, and gratefully accepted a hug from Louise. “So... now what?” He asked sadly.

"I don't know..." she muttered. "Maybe we can make this work. We  _have_ to."

PJ considered for a few minutes before he came up with an idea. “Maybe if Dan spends enough time with you he’ll realise,” he suggested. “We should all go to a movie together or something.”

Chris brightened. "Yeah," he said happily, giving PJ a look. "Just talk a bit. Get to know each other."

Phil nodded. “Alright...” he agreed. PJ sent Dan a text: _Going to a movie with Chris tomorrow. Wanna come?_

Dan looked at his phone when it buzzed from his chest, sighing.  _Yeah, okay._  he needed to get his mind off all this anyways.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Leave me comments.......... pls........................ my crops are dying


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter has a hint of very mild dubcon kissing in it, please proceed with caution

The next afternoon, Phil pulled on a midnight blue jumper and some black jeans, blushing and smiling shyly when Louise told him he looked nice. PJ came with Chris to pick him up so they could all meet Dan at the theatre.

Dan had dressed in a band t-shirt and his usual light denim jacket, covered with pins, and ripped black jean. He was waiting at the door of the theater when he saw PJ's car drive up. He brightened, until he noticed there were three people in the vehicle, instead of two.

Phil stepped out, blushing and anxious, and waved shyly at Dan. His chest ached when Dan just looked away, greeting Chris and PJ and ignoring Phil entirely.

Dan glared at PJ sharply. "Are you kidding?" He hissed, not bothering to be particularly quiet, smacking his arm lightly. "Please don't do this to me, if he really heard me talking last night..."

Phil sighed, pulling Chris aside. “Maybe I should go...” he whispered, though the thought of not being near Dan for even a moment longer was difficult to bear.

Chris shook his head. "No, you're doing it." He touched his shoulders. "Dan's a really good person, and I haven't known you for long, but I think you are too. Just let him get used to it. You  _have_ to stay, or this won't work."

Phil nodded, setting his jaw determinedly. “Okay... I’ll stay.” He bought his ticket, followed them inside, and sat between Dan and Chris. It was painfully awkward, but being so close to Dan made his head spin and his whole body light up with warmth.

Dan crossed his arms to get more comfortable, kicking his combat boots up on the seat in front of them, considering no one was sitting there. Actually, there was hardly anyone else in the theater. "Hi," he said softly after a few minutes, getting up the courage to look at Phil, still scowling a bit.

“Hi...” Phil whispered back, nervously playing with his hands in his lap. “How are you?” He ventured timidly.

"I'm alright," Dan mumbled, flashing him a look. "A little tired... I was up late last night. You?"

Phil bit back the urge to tell Dan that he was actually unbearably sad, to spill his heart out and tell him he wanted him. “I’m okay,” he said instead.

Dan nodded. "Good," he said softly, even though it wasn't hard to tell he was lying. "I'm glad."

Phil bit his lip anxiously, looking to Chris for guidance but Chris was busy kissing PJ’s neck. “So... d-do you think it would be okay if I held your hand maybe?” Phil asked after a few minutes, tripping over his words, praying that Dan wouldn’t turn him down.

Dan immediately blushed, which was actually odd for him. He was a rather affectionate person, even with friends. He bit his lip. "If you want to," he muttered, his mind conflicted. There was nothing wrong with that, right? He was still waiting for his soulmate. It was just hand holding, nothing more.

Phil nodded, pushing up the armrest between their seats and gently, carefully intertwining their fingers. He shivered, feeling the same rush he’d felt the night before, but he saw no such thing register on Dan’s face and he sighed softly.

Dan stared at his lap, his nerves buzzing. It was just from the closeness to another human. It had to be. But, god, Phil's hands were soft... "What do you like to do?" He blurted, wanting to talk, do anything to take his focus away from Phil's skin against his.

“I like playing video games... and reading… I’m in school to become a therapist. What about you?” Phil replied, idly running his thumb from Dan’s wrist to the centre of his palm and spiralling out.

Dan shivered. "I-I like playing the piano... and reading, yeah... and looking at the stars..."

“I like looking at the stars but I don’t really know much about them...” Phil leaned over, resting his head on Dan’s shoulder, and sighed. The closeness was intoxicating.

Dan's breath caught and he tried with everything he had not to breathe him in. _Soulmate. Not Phil._ "I do," he mumbled. "I study them a lot."

“We should go stargazing sometime...” Phil suggested, letting himself melt against Dan. He knew it was wrong, Dan didn’t feel that way about him, but being so close to him felt far too good to pull away.

Dan's face brightened. "Really? You'd do that with me? I keep trying to get PJ to go, but he says it sounds boring, I..." he trailed off. "Sorry."

“Why are you sorry?” Phil asked, looking at him adoringly. He could listen to Dan talk passionately for hours. “I’d love that...”

Dan blushed, bringing his free hand up to cover his mouth with his sleeve. "I dunno... I ramble a lot. It's annoying." He smiled hesitantly. "I'd love that too."

“I like listening to you... I don’t think it’s annoying.” Phil squeezed his hand, chewing on his lower lip as he looked at Dan. He was ignoring the movie entirely.

Dan's heart swelled as he met his eyes, unable to help it. He beamed. "I'm g-glad," he got out, his breathing shallow. Suddenly the air felt a lot thicker.

Phil leaned in to try to kiss him on impulse but Dan pulled away and Phil blushed. “I’m so sorry, I don’t know why I did that,” he whispered. “I know you’re waiting for your soulmate...”

Dan was shaking and he nodded, looking away. "It's okay," he whispered. "Yeah. I am." He rubbed at his face to try and get rid of the blush. "Do you believe in soulmates?" He asked, trembling, moving so he was at an angle that Phil couldn't do it again, because he wasn't sure how long he could deny him.

Phil forced himself to sit up and let go of Dan’s hand, his chest feeling tight with shame that he’d tried to kiss him when he so obviously didn’t want that. “I didn’t used to...”

Dan frowned. He hugged himself, missing the feeling of Phil's hand on his despite himself. "What do you mean?"

“Never mind...” Phil said softly. He didn’t want to admit that he thought Dan was his soulmate since it was obvious Dan didn’t feel the same, nor that Dan had made him believe.

Dan nodded slowly, trying to mask his disappointment. "Oh. Okay." He tried to focus on the movie.

Phil let out a shaky sigh and turned toward Chris, intending to ask his advice, but Chris stood abruptly, giggling softly, tugging PJ with him. “We’ll be right back,” he whispered so Dan and Phil could hear, and then he ushered him out of the theatre, leaving them alone. The awkwardness increased even further.

Dan sunk down in his seat, sighing. "God, sometimes I wish they weren't  _always_ all over each other," he mumbled grumpily, just to say something, even though he knew he was mostly just jealous.

Phil nodded. “I wouldn’t know... I just met them yesterday...”

Dan nodded, turning to look at him, peering through the darkness. "Wait... when did you meet them? You didn't know them when we talked..." he just wanted to prove his suspicion.

Phil bit his lip, realising he shouldn’t have mentioned it. “Um... after the party,” he said vaguely.

Dan nodded again slowly, but didn't push it. He didn't really care, he had probably already made a fool of himself anyways. He turned back to the movie.

Phil took his hand again a few minutes later and brought it to his lips, kissing the back of it gently. He just wanted to show affection to Dan; any affection that Dan would let him give.

Dan shuddered, staring straight ahead. He just wanted to say fuck it, climb into Phil's lap and kiss him until he was dizzy, but he was ashamed enough for even having those thoughts. He blushed, sinking lower in the seat and focusing on Phil's lips on his skin, lightheaded.

Phil played with Dan’s hand, carefully memorising the lines of his palm and kissing the tip of each finger. Maybe... even if he wasn’t Dan’s soulmate, maybe he could convince him to love him.

"Phil… don’t," Dan breathed finally, turning to give him a look, but he didn't pull his hand away. He couldn't.

“Please just let me have this...” Phil whispered brokenly. It hurt to know that Dan didn’t want him, that he was just an annoyance, but he was so in love with Dan and he needed to be close to him.

Dan bit his lip, searching his eyes and nodding. He didn't understand why Phil acted like he needed him, it wasn't like they were soulmates, but he didn't move. He didn't hate it--he was just scared.

Phil squeezed his hand gratefully and kept slowly, gently running his own fingertips over the soft skin, tracing every curve. It occurred to him that Dan would likely cut him out of his life after this and that terrified him, but he couldn’t stop.

Dan's breath caught and he closed his eyes, letting himself melt. Jesus, he was so scared of how Phil was making him feel. He just wanted to forget about the whole soulmate thing, and he had never felt that way before.

Phil hesitated before dropping Dan’s hand and bringing his own up to tangle his fingers in his hair, gently petting the curls, looking at him with an utterly lovestruck expression.

Dan hummed in pleasure, unable to help himself. Everything in him was screaming at him to stop this, pull away, go find PJ but... but god, it was impossible with Phil's fingers in his hair like that. He leaned into the touch.

Phil leaned over and gently pressed his lips to Dan’s jaw, just in front of his earlobe. Dan’s scent was overwhelming there and it made Phil tremble with longing.

Dan gasped softly, his body tensing in surprise, his stomach squirming. "Phil," he said again, but it wasn't really to make him stop this time, mostly just to hear his name on his own tongue. He relaxed finally, tilting his head. Jesus, he was sensitive, and he wondered if Phil knew that. He closed his eyes, whimpering softly, letting every other thought leave his mind.

Phil hummed softly in response, letting the hand that wasn’t in Dan’s hair linger on his chest. He kissed slowly down Dan’s neck to his clavicle and back up, nipping his earlobe, his breath fanning out across his skin.

Dan wondered if Phil knew what he was doing to him. He squirmed, his heart racing, and the movie sounded like it was underwater, or really far away. His hand went to grab the hand that was on his chest, trying to anchor himself.

Phil pulled his hair gently, acting mostly on instinct. He’d never really fooled around with anyone before, other than chaste kissing—had never had the urge to—so this was all entirely new to him. He had no idea how much it was affecting Dan.

Dan's breath hitched and he whined. "Jesus--" he held his breath to keep from groaning. It was all so intense, it was more intense than anything he had ever felt before, and he couldn't understand why he was letting Phil do this. He never let anyone so much as look at him the wrong way before, so hell bent on finding his soulmate. But suddenly he wanted Phil's hands on him, he never wanted his lips to leave his neck. He moaned softly, his eyes still shut.

“You okay?” Phil asked gently, running his thumb along Dan’s collarbone and kissing his cheek sweetly.

Dan nodded, trembling, his cheeks pink. "Yeah." He opened his eyes. "Yeah. I'm o-okay."

Phil gently nuzzled their noses together before starting to kiss his neck again. He smelled so incredible, it had Phil dizzy, and he parted his lips a bit, brushing his tongue across Dan’s pulse point, wanting to find out if he tasted as good as he smelled.

Dan was going insane, but it was like he couldn't physically stop him, even though he knew he would be aching by the time the movie was over. He moaned again, leaning towards his mouth. "Christ, Phil..."

Hearing his name in Dan’s voice with that tone had Phil’s jeans much too tight. “Dan...” he whispered, nibbling very lightly at his skin.

Dan whimpered, crossing his legs. "God," he mumbled, the room far too hot. "You're driving me crazy."

Phil whined in response and grabbed a handful of Dan’s shirt to anchor himself. He pulled his hair again to force him to tilt his head back and he pressed slow, wet kisses carefully all along his neck. 

Dan's eyes rolled back in his head and he grabbed Phil's hand, squeezing. "Ohh..."

Phil finally pulled back, feeling a bit guilty. “Sorry...” he whispered, realising far too late that he’d made Dan betray his goal of waiting for his soul mate.

Dan bit his lip, trembling. "It's okay," he mumbled, avoiding his eyes.

Phil took a slow breath and let it out as a shaky sigh, crossing his legs. He was incredibly hard and it actually hurt but he ignored it.

Dan chewed on his lip, trying to ignore the fact he was achingly hard, attempting to focus on the movie. He just wanted it to be over. He wanted to go home, or at least, he wanted to want that. He couldn't believe he had let Phil touch him like that, but it had felt  _so_ good...

Chris and PJ returned about ten minutes before the end of the film, both out of breath and sweaty. Phil arched an eyebrow at them and Chris suppressed a chuckle.

Dan didn't look at them; he was far too embarrassed. He pulled the collar of his jacket up so if there were any marks, they wouldn't be visible. "Why are you so red?" PJ asked him, smirking. Dan just shook his head. "Shut up."

Phil felt even worse when Dan seemed uncomfortable and almost ashamed. He whispered in Chris’ ear what had happened with as little detail as possible. “I feel horrible...” he said softly, crossing his arms over his chest.

Chris frowned, thoughtful. "But... he didn't stop you?"

Phil shook his head. “Not exactly... he sort of… tried to but I asked him to let me and he agreed...” he whispered, wincing at how awful that sounded

"Oh." Chris flinched. "That's... that's not good. Did he at least seem like he liked it? A little?"

Phil nodded. “Yeah... uh... a lot,” he mumbled.

Chris nodded. "Okay... so maybe you have a chance," he said softly, searching his face.

Phil sighed and shook his head. “No, I don’t think so... I ruined it... I made him uncomfortable a-and... he just liked it because he’s sensitive, not because it’s me.” He took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “It was nice of you guys to try to make it work but... I fuck everything up.”

Chris frowned sadly. "I don't think that's true... Dan's stubborn, but..." he sighed. "If you want to drop it, we can," he said instead. He hated to see his friends upset, and he knew that if Phil really was Dan's soulmate, that meant he would never find them. Even though they were right in front of him.

“Yeah... I think we should just forget it,” Phil whispered, feeling that familiar ache of sadness in his chest. The movie ended and he stood, tugging his jumper down to hide that he was still hard. “I’ll walk home... see you guys,” he mumbled, waving and hurrying away, having to force himself not to run.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments make me :)


	3. Chapter 3

Dan shook his head. "PJ, I _can't_."

PJ sighed, rolling his eyes. "Don't be dramatic. Yes you can." He sat down next to him on his bed.

Dan glared at him. "No, I can't. I seriously can't. I can't see him again without..." he trailed off.

PJ blinked at him expectantly. "Without what?"

Dan shook his head. "I just don't want to."

PJ sighed, patting his back. "Just text him, and see. Life isn't all set out in front of you, Dan. Try something new."

Dan watched him get up and move to turn on the TV, biting his lip. He hadn't talked to Phil in a week... he couldn't. Whenever he was around him, he was overwhelmed with a storm of emotions, and he wasn't sure he liked it. He took out his phone. PJ, Chris, and Louise had been constantly spamming him with Phil's number, and he finally pressed on it, opening a new chat. _l_ _et's get coffee._

 _Sorry, who’s this?_ Phil wrote back. He’d been lying in bed dozing even though it was past noon. He was extremely depressed and trying valiantly to ignore it so he wouldn’t have to deal with it, even though he’d missed his uni classes three days in a row.

Dan blushed, shaking his head. _sorry.. it's dan. idk if you remember me..._

Phil felt a thrill of excitement. _Of course I remember you. I’d love to get coffee. When?_

Dan bit his lip. Phil was such a sweetheart... _later this afternoon? If you're free?_

 _Sounds perfect... Starbucks?_ Phil no longer felt remotely sleepy or sad, and he quickly got up and started choosing his outfit.

Dan chewed on his own thumbnail.  _perfect_  he repeated back to him. He started to put his phone down before frowning. _and phil... this isn't a date, by the way. Just so you know. It's just... as friends._

Phil’s smile vanished and he sat down, taking several false starts before he managed to answer: _Oh. Okay._ He’d intended to dress as prettily as possible but knowing that this wasn’t a date and that Dan was so intent on him knowing it wasn’t took his motivation to look cute away. He decided on some maroon corduroys and a bright blue jumper with a cat on it, along with his usual converse.

Dan let PJ pick him out black ripped skinny jeans and a loose pale pink t-shirt, as well as his usual denim jacket. Then he set off to walk there, his heart already racing.

Phil was already there sipping on a peppermint mocha when he saw Dan outside. He waved with a nervous half-smile.

Dan smiled back, pushing through the door and making his way over to him. "Hi," he breathed, his cheeks pink from the brisk air outside.

“Hey... how’ve you been?” Phil asked, biting his lip nervously.

"I've been alright," Dan lied. He had been restless after that night at the movies. "You?" He sat down across from him.

“Um... not great... but I’ll be okay,” Phil mumbled, running a hand through his hair and mussing it up.

Dan nodded slowly, feeling sad for him immediately. "By the way, I'm sorry if that text sounded rude... I just thought..." he hesitated. "I don't know what I thought. That you would be more comfortable knowing it wasn't a date...?"

Phil looked at him dubiously. “Did you actually think that?” He asked mildly, disbelief clear in his tone.

Dan nodded, biting his lip. "I..." he sighed. "Partly," he said, running his fingers through his hair. "Kind of? Not really. But maybe you could... relax or something, you know?" He added, almost desperate.

“Yeah...” Phil mumbled, frowning. “Sure.”

Dan rested his head in his hands. "I'm sorry, did I already ruin it?"

“There’s nothing to ruin,” Phil replied shortly, taking another sip of his mocha and avoiding Dan’s eyes.

Dan nodded, a bit melancholy, for some unknown reason. He sighed. "Yeah. Yeah, you're right."

“So... why did you want to meet today? Since it’s obviously not a date?” Phil asked, trying to keep his tone from being bitter.

Dan frowned sadly. "To talk." He tugged at his own curly locks of hair. He had been planning to list every reason they couldn't be together, starting with how strong his soulmate belief was, but he couldn't. Not now, he was too anxious. "Just t-to talk. I feel like we left it badly last time."

Phil bit his lip. “Yeah... sorry...” he murmured, tucking his legs up on his chair beneath him.

"No, it isn't your fault." Dan frowned gently, thoughtful. He let the silence overwhelm them for a moment, tapping his fingers on the table. "Maybe it's because of fate," he blurted after a few minutes, saying the first thing that came to mind with no explanation, knowing Phil wouldn't know what he was talking about and he was just being vague. He looked up at him.

“... What is?” Phil asked, bewildered.

Dan bit his lip, lost in his own head. "Maybe I like the stars so much because it represents fate," he said, his voice quiet. "Because I need it. I need fate to believe that everything gets better, y'know?" He hummed, picking at a string on his sleeve. "And that's why I care so much about waiting for a soulmate."

Phil didn’t know what to say. He picked idly at the sticker on his cup and sighed. “Maybe,” he said finally. “Do you still want to go stargazing sometime? Or is that too much like a date?” He asked, rolling his eyes.

Dan sighed, resting his chin in his hands. He felt like crying, for some reason. "I'd love to," he muttered. "If you still wanted to."

Phil nodded. “Yeah... I want to,” he agreed with a small sigh. “We could go tonight if you want...?”

Dan smiled, trying to improve both of their moods. "Okay." He blushed. "If you're okay with letting me nerd out a bit."

“Of course. I like listening to you nerd out.” Phil hesitated before reaching across the table to where Dan’s hand rested, gently intertwining their fingers.

Dan's breath caught despite himself and he squeezed. "Can't wait."

The sun was already low, the sky starting to pinken, and Phil nibbled his lip. They stayed there, talking quietly and sipping their drinks. When the sun set completely, Phil stood and ordered them both caramel macchiatos before returning. “Let’s go,” he murmured, handing one to Dan.

Dan smiled, taking it gratefully. "Okay." He stood, letting Phil lead him to the door.

Phil took his hand once they were outside. It was chilly and breezy but the sky was clear. “Where do you want to go?”

Dan hummed, thoughtful. "There's a hill like a mile away... sometimes I bring a telescope there. We could go there, if you want." The place he was talking about was a nice clearing, surrounded by trees, but far enough away that you could see the full sky. Perfect for stargazing.

“That sounds amazing,” Phil said with a smile. “Lead the way.”

Dan nodded, grinning. He took Phil's hand automatically, leading him down the street towards the woods at the end of town.

They walked through the woods to the hill and Phil gasped a bit when they reached the top. They could see the town in the distance, and above them the sky was alight with stars. “It’s beautiful here...”

Dan nodded, looking over at him and searching his face. "Yeah," he breathed. "I love it."

Phil sat on the grass, looking up at Dan and tugging on his hand.

Dan giggled, sitting next to him. He didn't let go of his hand, enjoying the closeness.

“So um...” Phil hesitated, thinking. “I know you don’t want to settle down with someone who isn’t your soulmate but... couldn’t you date me until you meet them?” He asked tentatively, hopeful.

Dan bit his lip, taking a shaky breath. "Phil..."

“Couldn’t you?” Phil repeated, desperation clear in his voice.

Dan shook his head, staring up at the sky. "Phil, I don't want to hurt you," he whispered. "I don't want to just... lead you on while I look for someone else. That isn't fair to you. You deserve your own soulmate."

Phil felt tears stinging his eyes. “But... Dan I... please...” He bit his lip before deciding to tell him; “I didn’t believe in soulmates til I met you. I... I thought you were my soul mate but you didn’t feel it... but every time you touch me I feel it and I... I just want to keep feeling like this for as long as I can.”

Dan turned to look at him, his eyes wide. "W-what?" He took a shaky breath. "You didn't... you didn't believe in soulmates until you met me?" He was shocked. "Really?"

Phil nodded, dropping his eyes. “But... maybe I’m broken or something... m-maybe I’m nobody’s soulmate, but I think you’re mine.”

Dan felt his heart break for him, and he frowned. "Phil, you aren't broken," he whispered, searching his face. "God, I've never heard of that happening, but you aren't broken." He looked back up at the sky, lost in thought. "Maybe you're just imagining the feeling. Maybe one day you'll meet someone else, and you'll  _really_ feel it, and you'll forget all about me."

Phil felt the tears falling and he pulled his knees up to his chest. “Maybe...” he whispered halfheartedly.

"I'm sorry..." Dan chewed on his lip. "Maybe it's my fault." He wanted to touch him, or ask Phil to kiss him or something to see if he felt it now, but it had already gone far enough. He was scared.

“I don’t think it’s your fault...” Phil was pretty certain he was just broken, but Dan had looked so sad when he’d mentioned that so he didn’t say it again.

Dan shook his head, closing his eyes. "Then why is there an amazing, gorgeous boy nearly begging for my affection, and I'm still chasing some unknown person that might not even exist?"

Phil blushed, his heart pounding and breath catching when Dan complimented him. “I don’t think ‘nearly’ is a part of it, I’m definitely begging,” Phil said through a nervous chuckle.

Dan laughed, shaking his head slowly. He was convinced that Phil must be imagining it; there was no way he was his soulmate. It must be a mistake. "Can we wait?" He asked finally, his voice soft.

“Wait? For what?” Phil queried curiously, frowning a bit.

Dan took a deep breath. "To see," he said simply. "If someone else comes around. If you feel it stronger with someone, or if I do. If it's _real_."

“But that could be indefinite... what if I don’t meet anyone?” An even worse thought occurred to him. “W-what if I don’t meet anyone _and you do_?” He whispered. He didn’t think he could handle that.

Dan bit his lip sadly. "Well... then it isn't meant to be," he whispered. "I mean... you were fine  _before_ you met me, right? Not believing in soulmates?"

Phil let out a shaky, pained sound. “I was but... you made me believe and I can’t just go back...” he shook his head, letting go of Dan’s hand and moving away a bit. “Maybe we just shouldn’t see each other anymore...” he mumbled, though that thought alone hurt immensely.

Dan's chest ached, a sharp pain spreading through him, more intense than he had ever experienced. He whimpered despite himself. "Why c-can't we be friends?"

“Because being around you is too painful if I can’t have you...” Phil whispered, more tears falling.

"Phil..." Dan reached out, touching his arm and tugging at his sleeve. "You  _can_ have me. Just... j-just not... like that."

“Please don’t touch me... please, I can’t handle it...” Phil breathed, pained. “I can’t be around you because all I want to do is kiss you and hold you but I _can't_...”

Dan could feel tears stinging his eyes, and he didn't even know why. "Phil..." his voice broke.

“I have to go,” Phil said softly, standing up abruptly and walking away as quickly as he could.

Dan burst into tears the second he was out of sight, staring up at the stars through blurry eyes. Jesus... he was such a mess. And he was pissed at PJ for making him text Phil in the first place.

Phil texted PJ when he got home. _Please tell Dan not to text me again... I can’t be around him anymore._

_Why? What happened??_

_He said he just wanted to wait and see if either of us meets someone else, but I don’t want to be there when he does. Just tell him to leave me alone._

PJ frowned at his phone sadly, typing back. _Okay. If you're sure about this._

_I’m sure._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zi8ShAosqzI


	4. Chapter 4

Dan pulled the hood of his raincoat up as he hopped out of PJ's car, on the way to another party. This time it was at Louise's house, as her husband had just been promoted and they wanted to celebrate. Dan had worn the jacket even though it wasn't raining, just because it sort of smelled like Phil, and recently he had been desperate for any type of contact with him. 

PJ walked around the car to him, looking worried. "You okay?" He asked softly. "You've been weird recently..." 

Dan nodded, rubbing at his already red eyes. "Yeah," he muttered. "I'm okay. Let's just go in."

Phil had come over but he was just sitting on Louise’s sofa drinking an enormous mug of tea. He’d had a migraine for weeks, ever since he and Dan had been apart, but it finally seemed to be tapering off as the party started in full swing; he glanced up and gasped when he saw Dan, wearing that same jacket from the first night they’d met.

Dan looked up and saw him, quickly looking away, staring at his feet. His heart was pounding, but his chest had almost completely stopped hurting, and he stood up straighter. He grabbed PJ's arm. "I'm gonna need a drink," he muttered.

The pain was completely gone and Phil bit his lip, wondering if it had something to do with proximity to Dan. He finished his tea and quickly made himself a rum and coke. He knew he wouldn’t be able to deal with Dan’s presence sober.

Dan drank far too much far too quickly, and soon he was struggling to even stand steadily. PJ hadn't left his side yet, and Dan nudged him. "Go," he said softly, smiling. "Go be with your soulmate. I'll be fine."

Phil took his drinking at a more measured pace, but he was still quite tipsy. He’d been avoiding getting too close to Dan, not wanting to talk to him, but he’d stayed within view, just keeping an eye on him.

Dan finally decided he'd had enough of being inside, and made his way towards the back door, needing some air. Tears were streaming down his face and the pain had started again the closer he got.

Phil frowned and followed Dan outside. “Hey,” he whispered, concern tripling when Dan turned and Phil saw that he was crying.

Dan glanced at him, shaking his head and looking away. He took a pack of cigarettes out of his pocket, getting one out. "Hi," he mumbled, taking his lighter out as well and cursing when his hands were shaking so bad he couldn't light it.

Phil stepped forward tentatively and took the lighter, sparking the flame and holding it to the tip of Dan’s cigarette for him. “Are you okay?” Phil asked him gently, handing his lighter back and sitting on the steps.

Dan took a drag, sitting next to him. "No," he said quietly, avoiding his eyes.

“Is there anything I can do?” Phil asked sadly, nibbling his lower lip, even though he wasn’t okay either. His emotions didn’t matter if he could help Dan.

Dan laughed, rubbing at his eyes shakily. "Yes, but I'm too dumb to accept any of it." He huffed.

Phil nodded his agreement. “Yeah that’s true...” he mumbled with a soft, sad chuckle.

Dan tugged at his own hair, pushing it back into a mess of curls. "God, I hate myself so much..." he let out a whimper. "I'm wasting my entire life waiting for someone who will probably never even come with a perfectly nice boy right in front of me, and I'm not even planning to change it. I'm pathetic."

Phil sighed to hear that Dan still didn’t intend to get with him. “You aren’t pathetic... you’re... kind of… misguided, but you aren’t pathetic.”

Dan shook his head, tears rolling down his cheeks. "Yes I am," he whispered. "I'm pathetic, and stupid, and ugly. You deserve better, and I hope you realize that. Or maybe you already have." He whimpered. "I  _am_ pathetic, but I'm still clinging to fate, even though I know what I'm doing is wrong."

Phil frowned, stuck on one thing Dan had said. “Did you just call yourself ugly?” He asked, shaking his head disbelievingly. “Dan you’re... so beautiful...”

Dan shook his head, laughing humorlessly. "You're just saying that because you're a good person. You don't have to lie for me."

“I’m not lying,” Phil said firmly. He leaned closer, pressed up against Dan’s side. “You’re gorgeous.”

Dan met his eyes, still frowning gently. "No I'm not," he whispered, but hesitated. "Do you really think so?"

Phil nodded. “I wouldn’t lie to you,” he promised, moving even closer to Dan and reaching up to gently caress his cheek.

Dan shivered, leaning into the touch, allowing himself to be vulnerable, just this once. No one had ever been able to convince him he wasn't unattractive, but with Phil, somehow it was working. "You wouldn't?"

“Never,” Phil whispered, pulling Dan closer and meeting his eyes. They were only inches apart and Phil wanted to kiss him so badly it hurt.

Dan's breath caught and his eyes traveled over his face. "Phil..." his voice was soft and hesitant. "Do you really think... do you really think I'm your soulmate?"

Phil nodded sadly. “Yeah... but I know I’m not yours...” he whispered, pulling back, wishing Dan hadn’t brought up the issue of soul mates.

Dan whimpered. He didn't want him to leave again. "Phil..." his voice broke. "Please don't run away from me again."

“But you don’t want me...” Phil said softly, dropping his eyes.

"Yes, I do," Dan whispered, searching his face. "I never said I didn't want you. I want you _so bad_ , Phil..."

“Not as badly as you want your soulmate,” Phil countered, biting the inside of his cheek.

Dan wiped his tears away, desperate. "I don't know if that's true anymore," he breathed.

Phil gave him a serious look. “Dan don’t say things like that if you aren’t sure,” he whispered, his voice shaking.

Dan tugged at his hair, huffing. "Phil, for god's sake, I'm drunk and I really don't want to be here and I'm only wearing this jacket because it smells like you, and I've been in pain for the past week and all I want,  _all_ I want right now is to kiss you. Because you're smart and funny and you like listening to me rant and you call me bear, which absolutely breaks my heart by the way, but only because you think you don't own every last piece of my heart every time you say it." He shook his head. "I'm just stupid, but _fuck_ , I want you."

Phil cupped his jaw and dragged him into a kiss without hesitation, pressing their lips together firmly and whimpering softly as the same sparks he felt every time they touched exploded throughout his body, even more intense than they’d ever been.

Dan gasped, immediately clinging to his shirt for stability. He kissed him back, whimpering and reaching up to tangle his fingers in his hair, pulling him closer.

Phil gently sucked on Dan’s lower lip, resting the hand that wasn’t on Dan’s jaw on his waist. He was shaking and needy and he slowly pulled back, resting their foreheads together. “Did you feel it now?” He asked, cautiously hopeful. It had been so overwhelming for him that he couldn’t see how Dan wouldn’t have felt it.

Dan had to take a deep breath before he answered, shaking. "I sure as hell felt something," he breathed, pulling him in again, needing more.

Phil whined and kissed him eagerly, pressing his tongue into his mouth. He gently squeezed Dan’s waist and tugged him closer, forcing him to arch his back.

Dan whimpered, unable to get as close to him as he wanted to be. He finally just climbed into his lap, humming and straddling him, sucking on Phil's lower lip.

Phil gasped shakily and gently rubbed Dan’s hip. “We sh-should stop,” he whispered, pulling back, even though he wanted desperately to keep going. “You’re drunk... a-and I’m in love with you, so neither of us really has our inhibitions.”

Dan frowned, pouting. He rested their foreheads together, breathing heavily. "But I love you too," he whispered. He just wanted Phil to have him, he wanted to be his. "I love you so much..."

“But... I don’t want... I want anything we do to be sober,” Phil whispered. “I want us to remember all of it… I want it to be special.”

Dan paused, but nodded. "Okay," he whispered, a burst of fondness overwhelming him at his words, and consideration. "Okay, you're right." He rested his head against his chest. "Thank you..."

Phil gently played with his hair, kissing the top of his head. “D’you want to go back to my place? We can walk there and you can stay the night,” he offered.

Dan nodded, beaming. "Yes please..."

Phil nodded, standing and helping Dan up as well. He gently wound an arm around his waist to stabilise him and sent Lou a quick text. _Thanks for the party. Taking an early night. I’ll call you tomorrow._ he wrote.

Dan let Phil help him away from the house, and down the street. He breathed in the cool air, smiling and leaning against him. "I love you," he whispered, barely audible.

“I love you too...” Phil kissed his cheek gently. They were at his house within ten minutes and he let them in, shutting the door behind them and turning on the light so they wouldn’t fall in the hall on the way back to his room. He let Dan sit on the bed and kissed him sweetly. “I’m gonna get you a glass of water okay?” He said gently, smiling at him fondly.

Dan nodded, pulling his knees to his chest and smiling in a way that made his dimples pop. He lay down on his stomach, breathing in the scent of Phil's sheets, just loving being so close to him and not being in pain anymore.

Phil brought him a large glass of water, as well as a couple ibuprofen that he set on the bedside table for the next morning for Dan’s inevitable hangover. Then he slid under the duvet with Dan, winding an arm around his waist and kissing his jaw. “Is it cool if I take off my jeans?”

Dan nodded, clinging to him. Those words made his heart race, even though he knew Phil didn't want to do anything while he was drunk.

Phil slipped them off, leaving him in briefs and his jumper, and then curled against his side again. “I love you...” He kissed carefully over his neck, sighing happily.

Dan shivered at his lips against his neck, reminding him of that night at the movies. "I love you too."

“Can we still kiss a bit?” He asked quietly, pulling Dan more firmly against himself.

Dan nodded, grinning crookedly. "God, please..."

Phil immediately leaned up and pressed their lips together again, skimming his hand slowly up and down Dan’s side.

Dan shuddered, pressing closer. He hooked a leg around Phil's waist, wrapping his arms around him and humming against his lips.

Phil lightly nibbled Dan’s lower lip, smiling softly. “I love you,” he whispered between kisses.

"I love you so much," Dan muttered, cuddling closer to him. The feeling of his body pressed against him was more intoxicating than the alcohol in his system. "I missed you."

“God, I missed you too...” Phil was trembling, everywhere Dan was touching feeling electrified.

Dan reached up, running his fingertips down his jaw gently. "I'm sorry I didn't feel it before."

“It’s okay,” Phil murmured, gently playing with Dan’s hair as they kissed sweetly. “I’m just glad you do now...”

Dan nodded, beaming at him and brushing their noses together. "I am too."

“I’m sleepy,” Phil murmured, blinking a few times and smiling softly.

Dan grinned at him. "Sleep then," he whispered, kissing him again.

Phil nodded, resting his head on Dan’s shoulder and letting his eyes fall shut. “Goodnight...”

Dan smiled gently, kissing his head. "Goodnight.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments,, pls


	5. Chapter 5

When Phil woke up the next morning, he forgot what had happened for a moment but then he felt Dan’s arms around him and his heart fluttered. He cuddled closer and kissed the corner of his lips. “Good morning, my love,” he breathed.

Dan frowned in his sleep, yawning and blinking for a second, trying to comprehend where he was and what was happening. His heart raced at first, before dread set in and he sat up too quickly. "Phil, please tell me we didn't..." he trailed off.

Phil frowned, confused. “Didn’t what?” He asked hesitantly, biting his lip.

Dan's eyes were wide and he reached up to cover his mouth. "Have sex," he muttered, just taking what he could from the fact that he was drunk last night, and he had woken up in Phil's bed.

“No, of course not,” Phil said immediately. He reached across Dan and grabbed the ibuprofen, handing it to Dan.

Dan took it with shaking hands. "W-well what  _did_ we do?"

“We kissed,” Phil said, a bit dreamily. “And you told me you love me.” He reached up, gently brushing Dan’s fringe back and smiling at him.

Dan blinked, staring at him blankly. "I-I did _what_?" He bit his lip, pulling away from him. "Oh my god..."

Phil’s smile dropped in confusion and dread. “What’s wrong?” He whispered.

Dan's gaze dropped to his hands. "Shit," he muttered under his breath. "Phil, I was  _so_ drunk..."

“B-but you felt it...” Phil whispered, shaking. He couldn't believe this was happening. “You said you felt it... _please_ , Dan...” His voice broke.

Dan's eyes stung and he looked up, meeting his eyes and shaking his head. "I don't remember that..."

Phil felt like he was falling and he just nodded slowly. “Okay...” he mumbled, unsure what else to say. “I think you should go.”

Dan nodded. "I think I should too." He stood up, trembling.

Phil felt utterly broken and he watched as Dan left, finally letting himself cry when he heard the front door slam shut. He immediately pulled his phone out and texted Louise.  _You awake?_

Louise texted back almost right away. _yeah, what's up? What happened last night?_

Phil called instead of texting back. She answered immediately and he had to take a moment to shakily catch his breath before he could talk. “D-Dan spent the night last night... he was really drunk and we kissed a-and... he said he felt it Lou but this morning he didn’t remember and he looked so uncomfortable and upset and I... I don’t know what to do,” he sobbed, breaking down completely.

"Oh, Phil..." Louise hummed sadly into the phone. "I'm so sorry... do you think maybe he's just hungover?"

“I mean, yeah he’s hungover, but I think it’s more than that... He freaked out and asked if we had sex and when I told him we’d just kissed he looked just as upset, like kissing me was some horrible mistake...”

"I'm sure he doesn't think that..." Louise paused, thoughtful. "He's probably just scared. He loves you, Phil, I can tell... he just doesn't know it yet, and he's scared that he revealed himself too soon."

“What am I gonna do?” Phil asked sadly, running a hand through his hair.

"I don't know," she answered honestly. "I think you should give him some time... then let him know you mean it. That you aren't going anywhere until he understands. If you feel that way of course," she added.

Phil nodded. “Of course I feel that way. I love him so much... and I don’t want to lose him... I feel like such an idiot, I shouldn’t have invited him over...”

Louise shook her head sadly, even though he couldn't see. "No, baby... you did the right thing. He was drunk, it wasn't safe for him to be there anymore. I'm proud of you."

Phil cried harder when Louise said she was proud of him, needing to hear those words. “Thank you...” he whispered through tears, wiping at his face and sniffling. “Just... should I text him? I don’t know how long to wait before I try to talk to him again.”

"Yeah. Text him," she encouraged him. "Just let him know that you're gonna give him some space, but you love him, and you aren't gonna give up. I think he needs you just as much as you need him."

Phil nodded. “Okay...” he said softly. “Thanks Lou.” He hung up and opened a new message, watching the cursor blink slowly for a few minutes before he started typing. _Hey Dan. I know you probably hate me, and I’m going to leave you alone unless you try to talk to me, but I just wanted you to know that I’m in love with you and that’s not changing, even if you wish it would. And if you never want to hear from me again that’s fine… I’m sorry._

Dan hesitated when he felt his phone buzz in his pocket, laying on his bed and staring at the ceiling, but he finally pulled it out and checked. His heart swelled, but he tossed it aside. God, Phil Lester was going to be the death of him.

It was almost two weeks before Phil texted him again, and it was just six words. _I miss you, and it hurts..._ He couldn’t help it. He was wine drunk and sad, listening to sappy romantic music and crying, and his head was pounding with the migraine that seemed to plague him whenever he and Dan were apart.

Dan was 'studying', which meant he was actually just crying and reading his books over and over again, not absorbing a single word, when he got the text. He answered almost 15 minutes later. _I miss you too._

_I wish you were here._ Phil wrote then, sighing heavily

Dan pulled his sleeves down to cover his hands, chewing his lip. _i do too_ he sent, biting his lip. _but i can't be._

_ But why? I just don’t understand... _

_because we aren't meant to be together, phil_ he sent back, trying desperately not to cry. Again.

_ You said you felt it. You said you felt it when we kissed, maybe it’s just when we kiss, we can try again... _

Dan bit his lip, hesitating. _I don't know..._ He was scared of the results, honestly. What if it didn't work? That might hurt more than just not doing it. _maybe i was just drunk and being stupid._

Phil felt a pang and he curled into a ball, rocking. _Yeah... Maybe._ he wrote back, even though it made him let out a choked sob, completely heartbroken.

Dan hesitated, staring at his phone for a few minutes before picking it up, huffing and pressing on his contact, calling him.

Phil let it ring several times before he answered. “Hello?” He whispered tremulously, struggling to keep his voice steady.

"Hi," Dan breathed. He could feel himself relaxing just from hearing him speak. "I'm sorry. I just really needed to hear your voice..."

“I don’t see why you should get what you need but I shouldn’t...” Phil mumbled sulkily, rubbing at his eyes. His headache faded a bit from hearing Dan’s voice but it didn’t entirely disappear.

Dan sighed, running his fingers through his hair. "Then what do  _you_ need?" He asked, just to hear it, even though he already knew the answer.

“You,” Phil answered promptly, digging his nails into the back of his neck to try to ground himself with pain.

Dan shivered at the truth and intensity in his words. "Well I suppose that could be relative," he murmured after a moment, rambling from nerves. "That could just mean my voice, or a hug, or..." he trailed off, silently cursing himself. Why couldn't he just be quiet? "Yeah. Yeah, I know. But y-you don't  _need_ me."

“Dan, shut the fuck up.” Phil snapped abruptly. “You aren’t inside my head, you don’t know what I need.”

Dan flinched, falling silent. "I guess I deserved that," he mumbled after another moment of silence. "Sorry." His voice was shaky.

“Just... I don’t understand you...” Phil whispered, voice breaking. “You only want me when you’re drunk but then every other time you’re distant and weird around me and it’s really confusing for me... I need consistency.”

"Yeah, that's why I'm not right for you," he said automatically, before pausing. "... Sorry. I... I don't only want you when I'm drunk. And I'm usually not so weird..."

“Why don’t you just try _us_?” Phil asked sadly. “At least kiss me sober... just once.”

Dan fell quiet again. "I want to," he said finally, his voice breaking. "I really, really want to..."

“What’s stopping you?” Phil’s voice was more gentle when he asked that.

"Myself," Dan mumbled. "I'm the only thing stopping me."

“ _Why_?” Phil was so frustrated and confused it hurt.

"I don't _know_!" Dan's voice broke. "Because I'm unstable and confused, and you're beautiful, and I rely so much on waiting for a soulmate that I didn't actually want to find one," he blurted. He gasped softly, surprised at his own words. He hadn't even known that about himself until he had said it. "And I'm scared because I don't actually care if you're my soulmate or not, I wanna be with you. That's how much I like you..." his voice tapered off.

“Then be with me,” Phil begged, though his voice was resigned. He knew Dan would just turn him down and disappoint him again.

"Okay," Dan breathed after a moment, hardly aware of what he was saying.

Phil felt like his ears were ringing and tingles broke out all over his body. “What?” He whispered, needing to be sure that Dan had actually said it.

Dan took a shaky breath. "Okay," he repeated, hugging himself. He was shaking. "I said okay."

“Can you come over?” Phil blurted. “I need to see your face.”

Dan nodded, even though he couldn't see him. "Okay," he said again, standing up. "Okay," he repeated in a whisper as if he was a broken record, grabbing his yellow raincoat.

“I love you,” Phil murmured, hugging his knees. He felt like he was in shock, but a peaceful calm had descended over him, like everything was right with the world.

Dan kept him on the phone as he nearly ran downstairs to his door, starting down the street. "I love you too," he whispered, barely audible. "But wait..." he chewed on his lip, nervous. "Can we just... take it kinda slow? Like, let's watch a movie or something, and see what happens. I don't wanna force anything." He winced, scared Phil would get angry or upset with him.

Phil bit his lip. He wanted to kiss Dan so badly but he forced that down. “Alright,” he agreed. “Whatever you want.” He would do this Dan’s way because if he didn’t Dan might leave him forever, and Phil couldn’t handle that.

"I promise I'll kiss you in the next twenty four hours," he whispered, hanging up. He got to Phil's house after about five minutes of walking as fast as he could without breaking into a jog, and knocked on the door.

Phil quickly opened the door, smiling nervously at Dan. “Hi...” he breathed, nervously chewing on his lower lip.

Dan stepped forward, wrapping his arms around his waist. It felt like breathing for the first time in days, and he relaxed against him, his head clearing.

Phil’s headache was gone the moment Dan touched him, replaced by that wonderful, euphoric lightness, and he gently draped his own arms around Dan’s shoulders, tangling his fingers in his hair and pressing a soft kiss to his temple.

"Hi," he finally responded, his heart racing. "Missed you..."

Phil shivered and nodded. “I missed you too...” He pulled back reluctantly, searching Dan’s face. “You wanted to watch a movie?”

Dan beamed, reaching down and intertwining their fingers. "Yeah. I'd love that." He squeezed. "A date."

Phil felt his heart flutter and his stomach squirm and he nodded, face breaking into a grin. “A date...” he agreed. He was still tipsy from the wine earlier that evening but he’d gone from emotional and teary to feeling light and bubbly. He led Dan into the lounge and sat beside him on the couch, turning on Netflix and handing the remote to Dan. “You pick,” he mumbled, resting his head on Dan’s chest and wrapping his arms around his waist.

Dan sighed, choosing one of his favorite movies and setting the remote aside. He couldn't focus. He ran his fingertips down Phil's back as he watched, just happy to be close to him again.

Every touch drove Phil mad, sending shocks of pleasure and waves of warmth through his body. He tightened his grip on Dan and pressed closer, breathing in his scent.

Dan's heart was racing even though all that was happening was soft, light touches. He hummed, playing with the hem of his shirt before moving back up again, tracing his spine.

“Put your hands under my shirt...?” Phil requested, just wanting to feel skin on skin.

Dan's breath caught and he didn't answer, just pushing his hands under Phil's shirt, running over his skin. He pulled him closer, drawing abstract lines over his back, playing with him. He loved how he felt under his touch.

Phil let out a very soft whimper and bit his lip. He was so in love with Dan and every tiny movement had him trembling against him.

Dan brought his other hand up, running his fingers through his hair, playing with it gently. He shifted a bit, only so he could press his lips against his head, breathing him in.

Phil was breathing shallowly, and when he felt Dan’s lips against the top of his head he had to hold back from just leaning up and kissing him. Dan had to initiate that.

Dan gently ran his nails over his scalp, his other hand still roaming over his back. He looked down at him fondly, admiring him. "You're so pretty..."

“Not as pretty as you...” Phil whispered back breathlessly, melting against him. He tangled their legs together properly, trying to get as close as possible.

Dan let out a breathy noise, tugging his hair gently. "Impossible," he whispered back, gripping his lower back to pull him closer, their bodies lined up.

Phil gently kissed Dan’s clavicle. “I love you so much...” he whispered, voice shaking.

Dan met his eyes, their faces inches apart, his body tingling. "Phil..." he ran his hand up and down his lower back. "That thing that you feel... when you touch me? Are you feeling it right now?"

Phil nodded, watching Dan’s face. “Yes...” he whispered breathlessly. “Why?”

The hand in his hair trailed down to touch his face, gentle, his hand shaking. "Because I think I feel it too."

Phil’s breath caught and a shudder went through his body. “You do?” He breathed hopefully, gently sliding a hand from Dan’s shoulder to the back of his head, playing with the curls there.

Dan shivered. "Yeah," he whispered back, letting their noses brush. "And I really wanna kiss you."

“I want you to,” Phil replied, pulling Dan a bit closer so they were sharing breaths.

"Yeah?" Dan's eyes flickered to his lips, drawing it out. He wanted to tease him like Phil had teased him that night at the movies, but he knew he couldn't last long with Phil looking at him like that. He grinned crookedly. "How bad?"

“More than I’ve ever wanted anything in my life,” Phil replied, his voice completely genuine without a hint of hyperbole. “Please...”

Dan's breath caught and he nearly moaned at those words. He wrapped his arms fully around his waist, holding him close and leaning in, their lips brushing. "God I want you," he breathed, before kissing him fully, pressing their lips together hard.

Phil whimpered helplessly and returned the kiss with desperate fervour, pulling Dan’s hair and clinging to him. It felt better when neither of them was blackout drunk, like their connection was deeper, and it was almost overwhelming.

Dan gasped against his lips at the feeling washing over him, like a wave of electricity. He pulled Phil’s leg up around his waist, wanting him as close as physically possible, kissing him like he needed it as much as he needed oxygen. He drew his tongue over his lower lip, parting his lips.

Phil immediately met Dan’s tongue with his own, kissing him deeply but still gently, tenderly, and almost tentatively. He wanted everything to be perfect. He pulled back to breathe after a few minutes, shaking. “Feel it?” He asked softly, wanting to know without a shadow of a doubt that he was Dan’s soulmate.

Dan nodded, awestruck. "Yes," he got out, his breath caught in his throat. "I feel it."

Phil was so relieved he felt like he could cry and he kissed Dan again, slow and needy. “That’s what I’ve been feeling ever since that first night,” he whispered against his lips.

Dan's eyes were wide and glassy, and he gasped softly. "I'm so sorry," he mumbled. If Phil had really been feeling that the whole time, and taking his rejection almost constantly... he felt incredibly guilty.

“It’s okay... it’s not your fault,” Phil whispered, gently cupping Dan’s jaw. “At least I have you now.”

Dan nodded, kissing him again. "You have me," he repeated, pushing his hands up Phil's shirt again. "I'm all yours."

Phil shivered and pressed even closer, frustrated with any space between them. He wanted to touch Dan all over, have him as close as possible. “I love you,” he breathed, and kissed him gently.

"I am  _so_ in love with you," Dan breathed, kissing him back, and now he felt bad for making fun of Chris and PJ all the time because he wanted to be all over Phil, constantly. He pressed his lips to his jaw, traveling down towards his throat.

Phil tilted his head aside to give Dan space and moaned softly, trembling. “God that feels good...” he whispered, hooking his leg more tightly around Dan’s waist.

"Good," he breathed, grabbing Phil's thigh. He was starting to get hard but, God, he didn't care. He nipped at his throat, right below his jaw, and dipped his fingers down the back of Phil's jeans. "That's the idea."

Phil’s hips jumped when he felt Dan’s fingertips stray down toward his ass and he gasped shakily, pressing closer and holding onto Dan tightly.

Dan kept pressing kisses to his skin, moving up and down his jaw and everywhere else he could reach. His fingers moved a little father, straying lower and pushing more under his clothes. He just wanted to feel him, everywhere.

Phil finally couldn’t take not kissing Dan any more and he pulled him back up, slotting their lips together again. He hesitated before climbing into his lap to get closer to him, pressing against him from hips to chest.

Dan whined softly, his cock twitching. He could easily reach him now and he pushed his hands fully under his boxers, kissing him lazily but with an undertone of desperate heat, squeezing his ass.

Phil’s hips rolled automatically when Dan grabbed his ass, shivering. It felt almost possessive, and Phil loved it. “I’m yours...” he whispered against Dan’s lips, pressing his tongue past them.

"Mine," Dan repeated back to him, kneading his ass again. He loved the feeling, loved making Phil squirm. He could kiss him and play with his ass for hours. "You like that baby?"

Phil nodded, shaking. “Mhmm...” he managed, rocking gently against Dan, unable to help himself.

Dan moaned, his hips arching to meet Phil's. "Ah..." he grabbed his hips, helping him grind against him to get more friction, his cock throbbing.

Phil watched Dan in awe and started rutting against him harder, not even doing it for his own pleasure anymore. He just wanted to see Dan’s reactions.

Dan gasped, closing his eyes. He focused on the feeling of Phil's hips rolling against his. "God, Phil..." he grabbed his ass again, pulling their hips flush.

Phil whined softly. He could feel how hard Dan was against him and it was driving him mad. He kissed him again, just for a moment before starting to kiss down his neck, letting Dan guide his hips how he wanted.

Dan moaned, tilting his head to give him access, physically rubbing Phil against him, getting high on how Phil was just letting him use him. "That's so fucking good, feels good..."

Phil bit down over his pulse point, humming in response and feeling his own cock twitch and pulse at the praise.

Dan guided his hips, making him rock against him at an intoxicating pace. "Fuck..."

“Make yourself cum,” Phil breathed shakily before reconnecting their lips with a low moan.

Dan felt a shock run through his stomach and he gasped, moaning and gripping Phil's hips tighter. He forced him to speed up a bit, rubbing against him in a way that was making him leak into his jeans.

Phil kissed him harder, whispering praise and encouragement between kisses and quivering. He wondered what it would feel like when Dan came, if it would change the intensity of the pleasure that came just from being near him and touching him. Louise had told him that sex made everything more intense and he was curious.

Dan moaned loudly, tugging on his hair momentarily, whining. "I... ohh fuck, Phil, I'm gonna-" he gasped, pulling Phil against him hard, a shudder running through him as he came. It was like fireworks bursting in his entire body and he keened, pulling Phil as close as possible, grinding up against him.

Phil gasped at the sudden rush of pleasure and then he was cumming too; he hadn’t even felt close, but the unexpected and unprecedented sensation pushed him over the edge. “Dan—“ he sobbed, hips bucking.

Dan whimpered, kissing him hard and clinging to him, holding him so close that even the slightest movement gave them both friction. "Phil..."

Phil was panting shakily as he came down, wrapping his arms around Dan and resting his head on his shoulder, catching his breath. “Jesus...” he whispered.

Dan nodded, panting and squeezing him. "You're incredible... god, I wanna do that every day."

Phil chuckled, holding Dan closer. “We can,” he reminded him. “You’re stuck with me forever.”

Dan beamed, nuzzling his nose. "I'm glad."

“Me too...” Phil murmured, kissing him gently.

Dan smiled. "I can't wait to tell Chris and PJ... and Louise..." he giggled. "That is, if you want to."

“Of course I want to,” Phil said with a chuckle. “Actually, they’re probably up,” he added, tugging his phone out and starting a group chat with the three of them. He sent a picture of himself and Dan intertwined and smiling sleepily with no explanation.

Dan giggled, resting his head on his shoulder while he listened to Phil's phone buzz. "You're cute."

Phil cuddled closer to him with a happy sigh. “You’re cuter.” Texts were flooding in, mostly demanding an explanation, and Phil replied with another picture, this time of him kissing Dan sweetly.

Dan laughed, kissing him again. "You're such a tease, they're gonna be pissed."

“Probably,” Phil agreed, turning his phone on do not disturb and setting aside. “I don’t care though.”

Dan smiled, pulling him close to kiss him again, gentle and lazy. He grinned against his mouth. "I love you."

“I love you too...”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The end! Tell me how you liked it


End file.
